The "F" Word

That's right, it's time to talk about Farts! And don't even pretend that you don't fart. You may be good at holding in farts - more power to you! But the little gassy inmates sentenced for a stay in your intestines will make a prison break as soon as you relax so don't even think about going to sleep!!!

Why am I on the subject of farts? Because I was in great pain for two days this week with what I call "stomach farts". Stomach farts start in your stomach (duh) and set up camp because the gas takes the wrong fork in the road on its journey to the butt. It reached unbelievable proportions. The noise that my stomach made caused my co-workers to look up and ask "is that thunder?". Bending over was a risky situation because I never could tell when the movement would cause my roll of belly fat to push the gassy substance down for an ill-timed release (needless to say - there was a trail following me around as I wasn't all that eager to bend over to pick up anything I may have dropped if there was anyone around). When I had to pee I had to fight the urge to stand up and pee – because I knew as soon as I sat down on the toilet air would rush out of my anal opening (and there was no controlling the “noise level” that might ensue). I was coughing, opening and closing my desk drawers unnecessarily and generally talking much louder than normal with the sole purpose of covering up any noise that may be coming from my body.

Happily, I'm now all better. And I learned a lesson.... even if you're already getting in a good dose of fiber a day, don't decide to suddenly start eating multiple servings of Fiber One cereal in one fell swoop! You've got to build up to it!!!